*tap tap* Is This Thing On?
Last night I was on the phone with my mom at 12AM. Yesterday was pretty much a difficult day for her, due to how two years ago, her father, my grandfather from NM, passed away. My mom told me about her phone conversation she had with her mom a couple of weeks ago.
They were remembering my grandfather’s final days; his broken body trembling in pain with fever & weakened lungs, heavy with this viscous mucus. My mom then said how she thought that I, referring to me Jennie her daughter, had some sort of “gift” because I helped both my grandfathers before they passed away. She mentioned how I was wiping away the mucus and assisting the nurses, and blah blah blah. My grandmother even went so far to agree with her, saying, “Jennie could be a doctor…”
I then bluntly told my mother, “I don’t have a ‘gift’.”
If you’ve read my blog here for awhile (back since maybe 2003?), you would know that useless thinking and over-analyzation was an addiction of mine. I won’t lie, I still do think and perhaps even rant now ‘n then, but those are far and few in between these days full of both Work & play (more Work than play unfortunately). If someone needs me though, I’ll try so damn hard to be there for them, but it’s fascinating how “need” appears to be a reciprical notion that no one wants to talk about nowadays.
I’ve made the observation that when I am in the situation of assisting someone within a healthcare situation, I just do it. There’s no thinking, or hesitation, or fear. For me, that’s freakin’ weird. 85% of the time, I hesitate and hold my breath.
I needed to help clear my grandfather’s air passage. I needed to talk with the doctors. I needed to administer the medication. My being able to handle these things, was not a “gift”. They just needed to be done. I do regret telling my mom that it was not a gift; her belief might have given her some comfort and I just took that away…
I want to give her something back. Each day I try to live towards something which does have a vague, definition through this fog called life. I want to give something back to my family, my field, my friends. Is it possible to overdose on doubt?
Loss is funny. It reminds you of what you had, of what you can have, and what you yourself are capable of.
This entry is getting way too long now.
Aside from momentary bouts of doubt, life here is good. Applications are not done though. Boo on that! I will be going back home next month for Christmas. W00tie! LG battery purchased, FINALLY. Thanksgiving this Thursday! I will be cooking turkey for both my residents AND roommates. Honey & ginger pumpkin pie anyone? I took pictures of our trek to Shaws last Thursday night from when we bought all the food for the Turkey meal. Hopefully it’ll turn out edible; I have not cooked in a very looooong time. I need to buy cranberries & sage.
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